Healing trauma through relationships.

Relationships can reveal to us the parts that need change and healing. It’s not limited to romantic relationships, but can be experienced in all relationships. If you are carrying any childhood wounds, experienced abuse, grew up in an unsafe environment, and learned from your caretakers dysfunctional patterns/cycles, you’ll find yourself experiencing unhealthy relationships.

These unhealthy relationships don’t necessarily have to be romantic; they can be with friends, family members, and even co-workers. If you find yourself constantly dealing with drama, conflicts, and tumultuous relationships, then there is definitely something that is calling for your attention. The conflicts that arise in your connections can reveal the unhealed wounds that are ready to be addressed. When you are aware of how you respond to dysfunctional dynamics, you can change them.

You have an opportunity to use your relationships to mirror back to you what you need to focus on. That could be childhood trauma, not knowing how to communicate effectively, not lovingly asserting your needs, and not deeply listening to your loved ones. Instead of pointing the finger at the person who might be upsetting you, bring the focus inward. Ask yourself, how am I contributing to the conflict or trigger? What is being triggered that needs to heal or change? How do I need to show up to experience a healthier response or result?

Bringing your attention inward will allow you to fully be aware of what is being mirrored back to you. Once you identify the source of the conflict or trigger, then take accountability for your part. Be intentional in working on the areas that you are negatively contributing to your connections. Utilizing relationships as props towards your healing can transform your relationships into healthier ones.

There will be relationships that no matter how much you try, they are not meant to change. That’s when you’ll have to decide to cut ties or set very strong boundaries. In a healthy relationship boundaries are respected and honored. There is mutual accountability and blame is not part of the equation. Everyone involved is striving to give the other what they need and validates what each person needs. There are relationships that you can heal through, but there are others that only create more wounds and trauma. If you discover that the connection causes you more pain than healing, then it’s time to love yourself enough to let them go.

You don’t have to stay in toxic relationships. That includes your spouses, parents, children, siblings, and other family members who can’t love and respect you. Most of us don’t grow up in a home with healthy parents that teach us how to identify a healthy relationship. Our parents have their own traumas and challenges. Most parents don’t do the healing work and unconsciously project their pain onto their partners and children. This makes it difficult to know how to have a healthy relationship in your adult life.

As you work through your own healing and begin to have a healthy relationship with yourself, then you’ll be able to identify the qualities of a healthy relationship. You’ll no longer feel comfortable in toxic relationships and will seek relationships where you are truly loved and accepted for your genuine self.

There are ways to identify if you are in a healthy connection. If you are experiencing…

·  Love

·  Being Heard

·  Trust

·  Validated

·  Respected

·  Kindness

·  Empathy

·  Forgiveness

·  Accountability

·  Loyalty

·  Honest Communication

·  Flexibility

·  Boundaries

·  Safety

Once you identify a healthy relationship, you’ll be able to clearly see the contrast of a toxic relationship. This contrast will teach you what you want and don’t want. In addition, it will clarify what you need to change or not change. If you feel you have healed and changed, you won’t be comfortable in relationships where the other person isn’t doing their own healing. Those who are not proactive in their own healing will subconsciously project their issues onto you. They will blame you for any issues in the relationship and you will struggle to feel loved and accepted for who you truly are.

No one is perfect. Everyone is walking around with a backpack full of unresolved stuff. The key is to not project your unhealed traumas into your relationships. If you want to experience healthy connections, you must both do the inner work. Many relationships fall apart because they are one side. One person is doing all the heavy lifting, while the other is coasting along. There has to be a balance in energies. There must be an equal giving and receiving in order to achieve lasting, healthy and happy relationships.

A healthy relationship doesn’t mean it’s free of conflict and triggers. It means all parties are taking responsibility for their own triggers and are doing everything in their power to heal. Being triggered is not a bad thing. It’s an opportunity to look within and discover the best way to find inner peace that leads to more peaceful relationships.