Does perfectionism have a negative impact on your life?

Perfectionism may be a trauma response that was learned through childhood experiences. Growing up with abusive, critical, and judgmental parents can develop a necessity to be perfect. Especially if you were punished when making mistakes or not doing things a particular way. The fear of being judged, disapproved of, or punished can cause unrealistic expectations of yourself. Since the caretakers expected plenty from you, and nothing you probably did was OK for them, naturally you may be dissatisfied when things don’t end up perfectly. Having caretakers who withhold love and affection creates a belief system that you just must work effortlessly to seek approval, love, and attention. Your self-worth is defined by the approval of others and is deeply impacted when criticized. Although failure may be a normal part of life and is to be expected to achieve success, as a perfectionist, you don’t see it that way.

Perfectionism isn’t considered a disorder, but it’s highly linked to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), depression, anxiety, and a number of other psychological issues. It’s important to reach out for help in order to pinpoint if your perfectionism is due to childhood trauma or a part of a psychological disorder. Regardless if it’s caused by trauma or a disorder, it’s a coping mechanism to mask what's occurring deep inside. There's a hidden need for things to be a particular way to feel safe, which may cause depression, stress, and anxiety. Any variety of criticism or mistakes can take a significant toll on you resulting in self-criticism. These unrealistic standards are often exhausting and affect relationships and even cause burnout.

Here are ways to identify if you’re a perfectionist:

• Low self-esteem and poor self-talk that’s critical or judgmental.
• Constantly worrying and trying to manage outcomes.
• Avoiding emotions and using distractions to not face them.
• Need constant praise and validation.
• Needing things to be a specific way in order to feel safe.
• Struggling to forgive and have self-compassion when making mistakes.
• More focused on the negative rather than the positive.
• Not trusting others to undertake and do things right or your way.
• Getting angry at people who aren’t doing things a specific way.
• Feeling you’re not adequate and nothing you are doing is enough.
• Burnout from exerting all of your energy into making everything seem perfect.
• Romantic partners are never adequate and their imperfections are heightened.

These are some of the signs of perfectionism, but if you identify with some, you may be affected by perfectionism. Overcoming perfectionism isn’t easy and requires consistent awareness and treatment. Having the ability to spot the moments that you are seeking perfection is the beginning in overcoming it. Once you heal the root cause of what created your perfectionism, you’ll be ready to allow yourself to be human. Seeking a trauma specialist can facilitate healing the root cause of the trauma that made you become a perfectionist in the first place. A therapist and psychiatrist can evaluate you for any psychological disorders that may be causing perfectionism and facilitate your treatment. As you heal the trauma, you’ll be able to leave behind the unrealistic expectations of everything needing to be perfect. You’ll be ready to change your self-talk, and build realistic expectations for yourself and others.

The reality is no one or nothing is perfect. Perfection doesn’t exist within the human experience. Mistakes and failures are a part of the journey. It’s the way of learning and growing. That’s why healthy criticism is useful to avoid future failures. Everybody has their own unique gifts and abilities. Everyone seems to be good at some things and not at others. Focusing on what’s positive about yourself and your life will help you have realistic standards. Keep in mind, what you focus on expands. Choosing to focus on the parts of yourself that are good will bring about more good. When you feel you have done something right, try to praise yourself for what you accomplished.  When making mistakes try to give yourself grace.

Highly successful people had to learn to simply accept failures as a part of the journey to success. Embracing them and learning from them helped them maintain realistic goals. If they beat themselves up whenever they failed, they might have given up and never achieved success. Shifting your perspective from feeling like a failure to learning from the experience will help you create achievable goals. Your work experiences are going to be more enjoyable and your relationships are going to be healthier.